Forgiveness

I'm not especially sure how to start this post.
The difference between a personal journal, and a blog is
the obligation to explain, and sometimes justify.
(Which is why I rarely post here)

There are so many things, of which I have yet to forgive myself for.
No, I've never killed anyone. Hurt anybody with intention. Or, never matched the
hurt, I'd previously wanted to. No, it's the everyday crimes.
The times I never stood up for myself.
At this moment I can recant arguments, confrontations, etc.
Where I didn't defend myself.
When I didn't defend the people I care about.

I want to write them all out.
But it's so massive, and crushing.
It would be like pulling Haiti back together.
Fixing a broken heart.

Something I can confess to is, I'm depressed.
And, have been for years.
No one, really knows.
I don't want to worry (bother) anyone.
In truth, I think I bother the Earth, on the piece of land I stand on.
Maybe I bother the Sun, the Moon.

I haven't been to therapy.
I've tried to find God.
Tried to fix it myself.
Tried to write it away.
I figured it's my cross to bare.

On good days, I'm withdrawn, disconnected.
Most days are good.
On bad days, like today, I feel mocked.
I feel the world is mocking my unhappiness.
Like today... at this very moment huddled in my room. In the next room
is my family talking and laughing. And, I want to join them.
In more ways, than one. But I have to wipe the tears away.
And, find it in myself to be the person, I should be.
Or the person I feel I should be.

At the end of the this, I hope this helps me.
Free me.